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What can I do to help our children during our divorce?
It's good to keep your children at the top of your list of concerns during a divorce. Too often, spouses are so emotionally invested in the marital conflict they're engaged in that they tend to forget about the effects of the divorce on their children.
However, many divorce counselors have noted that it is the conflict between parents, not the divorce itself that puts children at risk for emotional and social problems.
The Parents' Behavior Is Crucial
Sometimes divorcing couples don't realize the consequences of their actions. Psychotherapists who see children of divorcing parents have pointed out that:
- Even body language, such as a parent rolling his or her eyes or slamming down the phone, has a detrimental effect on children.
- Having your children involved in custody or visitation decisions makes them feel insecure. It's better to make those decisions without them.
- Even in the "best" divorces, the children often feel that they are to blame for their parents' divorce.
- When a child appears to be afraid to express affection toward one parent in the presence of the other parent, something has gone wrong.
- Not talking about your divorce with your children can cause them to shut down emotionally and suppress their feelings.
Ways to Help Your Children Adjust
However, even after a divorce, kids can still have the very best that their parents can offer, if the parents will make the effort to:
- Become a new kind of parent — Ask yourself what you can do to improve as a parent, for your children's well being. For example, after a divorce you may need to master both the nurturing and discipline roles that you and your spouse once split up.
- Respect the other parent — The "blame game" is extremely detrimental to kids. Moreover, with even a veiled comment such as, "It would be nice if your father attended an occasional school function," the hurt a child feels can run just as deep as that from parents' name-calling.
- Make the other parent count — Start practicing cordial behavior now. You don't have to be best friends with your ex-spouse, but since you're going to be seeing each other at special occasions such as a graduation, weddings, etc., your behavior will take on new meaning for your child. You can "start small" with events such as birthday parties and school events. Do your very best to stay on good terms with your ex, no matter how hurtful your divorce may have been.
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